New Epidemic

I've knit not a stitch since last Thursday...nanny duty and my regular work day are kicking my butt. I've been unable to do anything other than read and fall asleep shortly after 9pm. I've gone through a stack of books, both new and some old favorites...I'm also not at all ashamed to admit I just completed my fourth re-read of the entire Twilight series. (Um, seriously? Fall 2008? Not cool.) Clearly, I'm a 15 year old girl at heart.

So. It's day 5 of 6 of Operation Nanny, and I'm about ready to lose what is left of my mind. I'm caring for two girls, a perfectly well behaved three year old, and a seven year old who begins every sentence with "Actually, you're wrong...", rails against everything I do, and refuses to listen to anything I say.  Guess which one is driving me bonkers?

To top it all off, as a direct result of the kid watching, I seem to have come down with a terrible illness. It's a tragic epidemic that is sweeping the nation, preying on families everywhere, sneaking in an taking root before you even notice. You see, I'm suffering from an overdose...of Hannah Montana.*

Hannah is a powerful tool. For example, "no Hannah Montana until you finish dinner" makes the eldest child clean every last crumb off her plate. The words "I'll read you the next chapter in your Hannah Montana book" makes bedtime so much more pleasant, and "Hey, why don't you go put on your Hannah Montana wig and get your sparkly microphone and put on a show for us" immediately puts an end to any screaming fit about why we are not allowed to eat ice cream for breakfast. Hannah Montana is a dangerous drug, causing euphoria and memory loss in children everywhere.

Like all drugs, there are serious side effects for those not even under it's direct influence. Those at high-risk for CCHMP, or Close Contact Hannah Montana Poisoning, include parents, caretakers, and relatives of young girls who like to watch the Disney Channel. Symptoms of CCHMP include

*A sudden aversion to being near any electronic device with the capacity to play sound/video

*A fear of perky blonde women

*Nausea when confronted with all things pink and/or sparkly

*Extreme anger toward Billy Ray Cyrus, and this time, not for Achy Breaky Heart

*Sudden, unexplained knowledge of all the lyrics to some song called 'Best of Both Worlds"

If you display two or more of the symptoms listed, it is possible you have contracted HMP and you should immediately seek treatment. Treatment options include

*Applying a long, loud dose of non-Hannah music directly to your eardrums. I've helpfully linked to some examples and suggestions, but feel free to use whatever works best for you.

*Stay away from all entertainment television programs, websites, and pop radio stations where Hannah Montana may be mentioned. Watch only movies or shows you have seen before and know are free of anything that may cause an CCHMP flare up.

*In extreme cases, temporary removal of sparkly toy microphones and wigs may be necessary. If this is the case, seek assistance from another adult who can help you "accidentally" misplace these items until such a time you feel they are ready to be reintroduced.

Please be aware that your attempts to recover from CCHMP may cause side effects to any children involved. Examples include, but are not limited to, seven year old girls deciding that "London Calling" is their new favorite song, and three year olds air drumming to "Misty Mountain Hop."

*I will say that Hannah Montana is a damn sight better than listening to a seven year old sing "This is Why I'm Hot" on the way home from school. Seriously? She's SEVEN. How the hell does she know that song, I know it didn't come from her parents....what are they teaching those whippersnappers in school these days??

Comments

[Carly]

Yes, the fact a seven year old would know 'This is why I'm hot' makes me question if I really want to have kids.

And that bit about kidnaping Zosia. . .there are definitely days I would we willing to negotiate! :)

[Mel]

Wanna swap 3 year olds? Mine is acting a lot like your 7 year old except her obsession is not for Hannah Montana (thank the gods!)but with playing the drums on Rock Band. She refuses to surrender the drumsticks!

[Nell]

Run! Run now! And do something dangerous and dirty!

[Lani]

One more day! Just one more day!! Oh think of the relief! :)

[Carrie]

I just finished the first Twilight book - Anne Marie lent it to me. SO GOOD. I need to read the rest!!!

[Jonathan]

I got Em the Twilight books for Christmas. She read 3 of them in a matter of a couple days and can't wait for more.

Kaitlynn is obsessed with Hannah Montana and High School Musical. I swear at Christmas I felt that I should have been a share holder in Disney for the amount of Hannah Montana and High School Musical stuff she got.

I am thankful though that she has chosen Hannah Montana over some of the other crap that is out there.

It's like another NKOB epidemic! LOL.

Good luck and try not to get all caught up in the awesomeness of Hannah Montana! I can see you dancing around in that wig and microphone on YouTube! LOL

[Stacey]

Oh Sarah, how I love you :) I'm on the book swapping thing online now...I need to seek out those Twilight books.

I don't know the song "This is Why I'm Hot". I am old.

[Mary]

It's too early for me to get into this...but be thankful there is variety in HM...I got to watch Cinderella 8 times in one weekend. She's all about Princesses, and pink. Forget the fact that Cindy's gown in WHITE, she's all about the pink...

As for the songs? It's not in the classrooms, trust an ex school-teacher. The failed social experiment that are schools are all about recess and lunch. That's where the kids learn all that "Don'cha Wish Your Girlfriend was a Freak Like ME" stuff (that was the one my 7th grade girls would hum.

[JessaLu]

OMG you crack me up - and make me grateful to have an 18 year old. Never thought THAT would happen... ;o)