Rules of the court

Instead of telling you about the shittiest morning EVER and my super-fucked day in court, I thought I'd share some observations I made while burning in Hell sitting in County small claims court today.

Defendants

1. Must arrive late to court, preferably entering the courtroom while loudly talking on your cell phone.

2. Must fall asleep while waiting for the judge to call your name.

3. Must chew gum and pop it/blow bubbles while addressing the judge.

4. Must not shower, change out of your pajamas, brush your hair or attend to personal hygeine in any other manner before arriving in court.

5. Must get in long, loud "whipser fights" with your husband in the middle of another person's court appearance, causing like 5 people to miss having their name called by the judge.

Court Employees

1. Must weigh a minimum of 300 pounds.

2. Must be a minimum of 104 years old.

3. Must speak so softly that no one can hear you over the couple whisper-fighting in the front of the room.

4. Must constantly discuss in a loud whipser what you are going to eat for lunch today with other court employees, even after the judge has reprimanded you twice for being too noisy and distracting from the purpose of the court.

5. Must say, "GIT R DUUUUNNNN" after the docket is cleared. If no one laughs at this "clever and witty statement" the first time, repeat over and over and over until someone gives you a goddamn courtesy laugh and you can shut the fuck up.

Attorneys

1. Must have a penis. No girls allowed.

2. Must have jowls, even if you are a slim, weasely lookin' feller.

3. Must laugh loudly at jokes other attorneys are making about defendants in the middle of court.

4. Must play with your Blackberry all through court and look around to make sure people notice how important you are which is clearly shown by you playing with your Blackberry.

5. Must dress like Gordon Gekko. If you cannot dress like Gordon Gekko, you must at least copy his hairstyle. If not, you are not cool and cannot be in the "Kool Lawyers Only" club.

Courthouse

1. Must be on the verge of being condemned.

2. Must smell like urine is used to mop floors.

3. Must have confusing directions that contradict each other posted all over building, so no one can find their way in/out/around the courthouse.

4. Must have flickering fluorescent lights that cause migraines.

5. Must stink like rotting cheese/horse shit.

Bastard Lawyers from Jacksonville who Phone In for Mediations

1. Must threaten the defendant repeatedly, even though the mediator is sitting right next to her hearing every word you say over the speaker phone.

2. Must be an hour late to the mediation you ordered and scheduled.

3. Must remind the defendant and the mediator several times that you are a "powerful attorney", just in case they care, want your autograph, feel the need to offer you a blow job, etc, etc.

4. Must laugh at your own jokes, because mediation is TOTALLY the best time to crack yourself up by mocking other people's financial situations.

5. Must make irrational, impossible demands, leading the defendant to believe you feel insecure about the size of your wang, and that you are a rotten bastard for escalating the situation to trial.

Ahem. There you have it. Court blew. It blew like nothing has even blown before.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Comments

[Carrie]

Dude. your post is freakin' hilarious. but your day sounds like a bummer. wish I was there to take you out for a drink!!! :)

email if you need someone to vent to...

[Skylar]

Awww, honey. I am sorry. What an icky day.

[Rachel]

Bummer, woman. Adversity suits you, though. In case that makes you feel any better. You *are* pretty funny when you're suffering.

Still, it's not worth the entertainment to know you had such a horrible day. Sorry.

[Stacey]

I think I am just laughing because you used the word "jowls".

That word is funny. Hee hee.

Sorry your day sucked. Call and give me the details soon.

[Sean]

Man, your courts suck. If people tried to pull any of that crap in any of the courthouses I have been in, they would have been thrown out or thrown in contempt. Seriously. I almost got kicked out for whispering (quietly) twice to my dad. Anyhow, for me, court sucked, but the other people's cases were entertaining.

[frecklegirl]

You poor bean! At least the day is over...

yuck yuck!